Heart on FireWarning: This is going to be one of those emotional unstable, macabre journals....you don't like it, don't keep reading....after all, this is my thought place, not yours. So, I've come through a lot of emotional crap in the last couple weeks. But I feel as though maybe I've grown up a bit more in the process, whether that maturity is a good thing or bad thing, I'm not yet sure. Being alone for a week was a bit helpful in the process, but my thoughts have been rather introspective in the last while anyways. I already knew that my heart had been callous and jaded. Love seems an inescapable, yet terrifying place for me to be. Harder still because deep down I'm a hopeless romantic. I've been burned too much though, to continue to think that I have someone out there that is perfect for me, whose soul is so in tune with my own that I don't even have to speak aloud to be heard. My soul mate. Perhaps the other part is that I have never had a male figure in my life that has truely treasured me. Sure, I have a father that I know loves me and has done alot for me....but has always been emotionally and verbally abusive to not only me, but my mother. I can't even count how many times I listened to her cry herself to sleep when I was a young child. Those memories have never left me. I used to just cry like that....every word sunk deep into my heart and soul and made me bleed more. I've grown up now. I can place the walls higher and thicker around my heart. And I no longer allow his words to penetrate, in fact, most times I throw them back. I know its wrong, but I can't help myself, and I want him to know what it feels like to hear both honey and posion from the same mouth. The older I get and the more I experience, the more jaded my heart has become. I no longer believe in my fairy tale ending. I know that life is not rosy or a bowl of cherries. And even though I used to be able to look beyond the failures and shortcomings of myself and others, I now find myself looking for them, placing walls before I give people a chance. I used to be an optimist and a fairly idealistic person....now I hear people tell me that I'm a pessimist and that my soul is beautiful, but cold. But it hurts too much the other way. I want to close myself in, not let people see this part of me. There was a time that I was very good at it, but heart and soul warmed and I lost the ability to lock it up. I have had faith, God....but you have been faithless. I have placed myself on the ledge and trusted that you would be there to catch me and to pull me into an eternal and infinite love that I could not even comprehend. Instead, I find the chasm yawning before me, inviting me to leap into dark oblivion and no hand reaching out from heaven to save me. Heart on fire, cold as ice....this is where I have exsisted. I want to lock the pain and weakness away, and be able to live without ties or binds. | 
